Cyberbullying: Unconventional and Uncontrollable

Before we start pointing fingers or allow ourselves to read this article from a victim’s perspective, I’d like to posit that we all have a cyberbully inside us. We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t, sent emails we shouldn’t have. And, when we’re provoked, we’re all tempted to some degree to exhibit aggressive behavior.

Cyberbullying is defined by Canadian educator and president of bullying.org Bill Belsey as, “The use of information and communication technologies to support deliberate, repeated, and hostile behavior by an individual or group that is intended to harm others.”[1] The difference between cyberbullying and conventional bullying is that online acts are more permanent and visible.

When I was in grad school, I had a professor tell me, “Be careful when talking to people who buy ink by the barrel.” He was referring to journalists, but today, anyone can “buy ink by the barrel.” The internet can give everyone a soapbox. Many adults are unable to handle the responsibility of online communications, so it’s unrealistic to expect kids to use the internet completely responsibly and to consider the ramifications of their online actions.

Why is Cyberbullying So Common?

Bullying in general makes people feel powerful. People who turn into cyber-bullies tend to have been physically or emotionally bullied themselves. (This is the same for conventional bullies). They have developmental issues that prevent them from learning to connect to others in emotionally healthy ways.

Cyberbullying has the added benefit of lending anonymity to the bully. There’s virtually no way to control cyber misdemeanors. Part of the problem is the difficulty of defining what constitutes an offense; you can’t always tell online when someone is saying something seriously or in jest. In face-to-face interactions, you can tell a lot through someone’s tone or body languages. Online, all non-verbal context is completely lost.

Types of Cyberbullies

There are many ways cyberbullies go about their business. But they generally boil down to four main types.[2]

1. The Vengeful Angel – These cyberbullies see themselves as righting wrongs or protecting themselves or others from the “bad guy” they are victimizing.
2. The Power-Hungry or Revenge of the Nerds – These cyberbullies just need to exert their authority and show they are powerful enough to manipulate or control others. They are often the victim of typical offline bullying.
3. The Nasties – These cyberbullies are usually bored or looking for entertainment. The Nasties tend more often to be girls rather than boys. While boys tend to be more physical with their bullying, girls are more likely to be verbal bullies. This bullying is largely ego-based and the most immature of all cyberbullying types.
4. The Inadvertent Cyberbully – These cyberbullies usually don’t think they are cyberbullies. They may be pretending to be tough online, role-playing or reacting to a mean message they have received. They don’t lash out intentionally; they just respond without thinking about the consequences of their actions.

To: Cyberbullies

We all have a certain amount of freedom with our speech, either verbal or written. But to fully enjoy that freedom, we need to take responsibility for it. Give extra thought to how your messages are received. The people we see at the BJU Psychological Health Center who have been cyberbullied are usually the victim of nasty messages that have been blown way out of proportion. Because there are virtually no consequences for online actions, you really need to be responsible for your online communications. A good rule of thumb is: If you wouldn’t say it to somebody’s face or write it on a postcard, don’t say it online. Also, don’t send messages while you’re angry; strong emotions keep you from being clear-headed.

To: Victims of Cyberbullying

If you feel bullied, tell someone you trust who has some insight into the issue of cyberbullying. If the offense is small,such as a single individual email, text or chat, it’s usually best to ignore it. From a psychological perspective, most behavior that is ignored goes away. Responding intermittently actually fuels the offense, like payoffs for a slot machine addict. Unfortunately, a lot of responses to online bullying end up sounding defensive. Be wise with your responses. Ignore the provocation when you can.

A good guideline for online interactions is not to add people into your social networks whom you don’t know well. If you wouldn’t hang out with them offline, don’t make them a “friend” online. Some kids believe that having a lot of online “friends” makes them seem popular. In reality, nobody really uses your “friend” count as a barometer of your real-life popularity.

Also, use the tools you have available to stop cyberbullying. For example, Facebook has a “report” function. Bullies tend to go for weak victims. Kids who have good self-esteem and are willing to stand up for themselves won’t respond the way a bully wants and will usually be left alone.

To: Friends/family of Victims

A lot of kids don’t tell people (especially their parents) about being cyberbullied because they are afraid of the reaction they’ll receive. If someone trusts you enough to talk to you about a cyberbullying issue, respect that trust. Be a good listener, and don’t overreact.

Parents, it’s good for you to know what your kids are doing online. We would never let a teenager drive without first having him take a test and start with a permit. In the same way, don’t let your kid start his internet usage by giving him free rein. Monitor your children’s internet activity without snooping. This builds trust both ways between parents and children. Be around when your child first starts to use the internet. Get on Twitter and LinkedIn and other social media so that you can relate to your child. Add each other to your networks. But you (parents) have to be responsible too. Don’t post embarrassing things on your children’s social media pages. In fact, limit your posts on your kids’ pages to a minimum.

Cyberbullying is a relatively new phenomenon, but its psychological roots are as old as any social ill we’ve seen. Be resilient. Be aware. And make every effort to keep a tight rein on your own online “ink.”

References:
[1] www.cyberbullying.org
[2] www.stopcyberbullying.org